Originally posted by Callan:Part 4 --- Heartbreak Hotel
After my breakup with my 3rd girlfriend, I bum around for awhile, and I entered my final year in Poly. I decided to go back to my father's company and help him out after sorting out our differences. My dad and I were never on good terms but we somehow managed. Coincidentally I met my fourth girlfriend because of that. She is the first one I really loved truly without a doubt, but then she is also the one that broke my heart to pieces. She is very pretty, I was tolded that she look abit like Annabelle Francis, and she works out alot. Also she loves dogs like I do. She is a very mature woman, 4 years older than me, know what she wants, logical and decisive, love her for those but as fate will put it, those are the reason she dumped me too.
I thought that this time round we will last, I finally learn the meaning of being sensitive, of just being possesive enough, of how to be romantic, and in fact I was thinking to myself that I am the best I can ever be. But I guess I was wrong, I wrote this part in the form of a short story as I feel it is the best way I can bring across the sadness in me during that time. Hope you people enjoy.
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She is sitting there, looking at me as I came walking thru the door. I smiled, walk over and introduced myself.
"Hi, My name is Callan, I'm here to pick up the flims that are supposed to be ready today."
" Callan? errmmm, Pardon me but where are you from, I am not that sure as I'm new here."
She smiled that innocent smile, one so captivating, so unforgrtable.
"Oh! No wonder I have not seen you before. I'm from XX press. So when did you start working here?"
"Today's my first day." She smiled again. "Isn't XX press In Delta, and you came all the way here!?"
"Yup, no choice, the prices are lower here. So I think I will see you around often, yes?"
"Yup, and by the way my name is XXXXXXXXX." Smile again.
XXXXXXXXX, a name that lingers on my mind for days, a name I doubt it will ever be erase from my memory for this life.
Sparks flew, we started to date, and one fine day romance landed in my life again.
The day is raining, rain seems to be flying down like splinters and I was outside...
*drool....*
"Hi, where are you? It is raining heavily outside are you caught in the rain? I am bored so I thought I call you."
"Me? I am stuck in the middle of nowhere, you dun sound too well, are you ok?
"Feeling quite bad actually, had a fever last night and woke up with the fever gone but the nose running."
"Anything I can do to help?"
"You? Nah, it is ok, but I sure wish I can have some Haagen Daz now, always feel good to eat some ice-cream even if my nose is running."
"Ice-cream? I dun think so...."
"Ok, boss is here, dun want him to talk, he knows I have been calling you."
"ok bye!"
"bye!"
Turning around I was determined to do something for her, I wanted to make her feel better. I hop into a cab though I was quite broke that day and went down to CK Tangs, I bought some haagen Daz and then with little money left took a bus to her workplace. I alighted with the sky still raining, I took a long and wet walk towards her office.
"Is XXXXXXXXX around?" I asked the girl sitting next to the desk she normally sits.
"She is in boss's room. You looking for her? It is not off work yet you know? And why are you so wet?"
"It is ok, I will wait for awhile."
Just as I turn around she is standing there...
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!? And why are you drenched?"
"I thought I bring some ice-cream....Coffee Ice-cream?"
"How did you know I like Coffee ice-cream?!?"
"Magic....my heart told me." I smiled
Her tears started to flow, and we sat down and ate soggy ice-cream together happily, we are an item by the evening.
Things went very well for us, we are very much in love. We never had any disagreements, but we are both very proud people, it is a good thing we did not have any.The night was humid, we laid in each other arms, one of the few things we like to do together most.
"XXXXXXXXX, do you think we would ever be together? I meant really togehter, you know live together, have kids, watch each other get older?"
I ran my fingers thru her hair, so silky, so smooth.
"You mean get married?!?" I was surprised by the bewildered look on her face. I am not sure if it was surprise or disgust that she is feeling.
"Well, yes if you put it that way." I tried to sound neutral and indifferent to it.
"I dun know, it was never on my mind before this. Anyway, you are going NS in 1 month and still have yet to build your career yet. You know what I like about you?" She said as she is sitting up.
I continued to look at her eyes, hoping to find the answer. To me, it's like the wisdom of the universe is in there.
"I like the way you think about your future, I like the way you plan your life for bigger things in life. You are an ambitious person, so keep it that way." She did not wait for my answer to come.
I nodded, just like a little boy. I always feel helpless before her. Maybe it's the fact that she is 4 years older than me. Maybe it's because I treasure her too much. Maybe it's just because I'm in love....
She is quiet today. Something on her mind. I know, but I dun know what.
"XXXXXXXXX, is anything wrong?" I asked.
"Nothing." A simple reply to a simple question.
"You want to go and have some dessert? Cheese Cake?"
She didn't seem to hear me.
"How about some Tiramitsu? We can go to Hilton."
"Callan, we need to talk." I anticipated that. She continued, "I dun think we should carry on."
"You not feeling well? Did you go to a doctor? I can sent you...."
"Callan, I meant breakup...." Soft and meek might her voice be, it was like a bomb to me.
"WHAT?!?" I was stunned but quickly recompose myself. "Is anything wrong? Something at work? I understand how you feel, You want to share...."
"Callan....Stop." She is now looking at me so intensely. "There is nothing wrong at work, nor anything else, it's just me." She paused. I keep quiet.
"It's XXXXX" She finally broke the silence. "Who is that?!?" I am confused. "XXXXX, XX Adverts." I kind of recall the name. But it was foggy. I choose to remain silent.
"He proposed." That was it. I blew myself. "WAHT DO YOU MEAN HE PROPOSED?!? DO YIU MEAN YOU WANT TO MARRY HIM?!? IF THIS IS A JOKE I'M NOT AMUSE!"
She started to sob. I knew I frightened her. I have not shouted at her before. She was too good to be treated like that. I tried to cool my head, Nothing but hot air came in.
"So?... I am waiting for an explanation. I think you at least owe me that." I mellowed.
"I met him, he didn't know about you. He was nice. It just started like that." She is not making sense, so unlike her, I must have really frighten her.
"Ok, so what? What started?" I am denying myself.
"We went out. He is really nice.......he has what I need, and you are going NS soon..... I MADE A MISTAKE, OK?! BUT SPARE ME, OF THIS TORTURE! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"
That's what my gal is like, so strong minded, never will she allow herself to break down infront of me. I think she is losing it. I turned and leave.
I could not sleep. I dun want to go back home. There's just all these flashback in my mind. I just sat there, alone in the night, alone in the park, nothing but my thoughts to accompany me. I feel so alone. I finally got tired of the loneiness, and decided to sleep in hope that I find something in my sleep.
I did not go to school, nor to work. I took leave, I switch of my beeper and phone. I do not want to face anyone, with my failure. I closed the door of the chalet, and did not open it for 3 days.
Ring...Ring... "Hello....Hello?".......drooo...
I knew it is her. It is the 5th time this week. I have cool down alot since the "cold turkey" chalet. My logical nature did not allow me to dwell on my mistakes for too long. I told myself I have to move on. I will not go down. But still I decided to look for her.
She is sitting in front of me, looking down, playing with her own fingers. For once she looks like a little gal to me.
"How are the preparation going on?" I spoke first.
"It is fine." came the short reply
"You called me?" She nodds quietly.
"What for?" I prompted.
"I need a favour from you...." She paused to think. "Can you keep this down? XXXXX still doesn't know about you and me. And I dun think it will be good for him to know."
"I will not tell, but I am not sure about the others..." Trying to find an excuse.
"They do not know about it yet, and those who do promised not to tell." She stopped me. "It's you I worry about."
"What about the wedding?!?" I am confused.
"We will be migrating to Aussie. The wedding will be there." She explained.
"When will that be?"
"A few more months, once the papers are ready.... Callan......I would like my things back."
"What things?!?" Again confused.
"My photographs...things I left at your place. Just to be safe..." She smiled that smile again.
She never fails to surprise me. I expected myself to be the one in control. But again she conquered me with her demure aura.
"I'll take it with me the next time we meet."
"Just leave it at my house, my mum will be there."
"Ok..." I am dissapointed.
That was the last time I spoke to her face to face. Last thing I heard, all went well, and she has since migrated to Australia. Never heard from her. And now thinking back, I should have kept a pic of her, to remember her by. She is becoming foggy to me and most probably I only remember her name and that smile of hers in a few years time.
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After her I did not have any girlfriends for 3 years, no one I had any concrete feelings for just a few on and off kind of things as I know I am still not ready for anything yet. Maybe I was still healing myself then, I dun really know. All this time, I was in NS, it gave me a lot of time to think things through, about what really went wrong. I realise that most probably I am still not good enough, XXXXX is educated, successful, just 28 and the creative director of an advertising company, good-looking and hunky, he plays Rugby and could easily pass off as a male model, well-mannered and gentlemanly, I know he would not have come between us if he knows about us, and till this day I believe he is still in the dark about him being the 3rd party or maybe I was the real 3rd party, I'll never know. And of course, I was still unsure about my future going to NS in just 2 weeks , definitely not as good-looking, and I stop working out for awhile and definitely is losing points in the charms department. I lost completely to him even though I got to be with her first and him later (at least that's what I knew to be). The times that we were together did not mean much to her when it comes to logical thinking. she made the right choice.
I still feel sore about it every now and then, but I dun think of her so much now, it is only when people talks about her or on occasions like this that I recall everything that happened. But I have already move on, though the thought of her still does haunt me when it passes by.
After her like I said there are a series of woman that I have met, though they never become my gf, I still will like to share my experiences with them with you people, that is if you are interested, do tell me if you want to know about them, then at least I will have something to write on. For those of you who wants to know about my most 2 recent relationships, I am sorry, but they are rather dear to me and they surf the net oftens and come to this site, it will not be nice as there are also many people who knows what happen between us. So I will have to omit that part. I hope you all dun mind. But HEY! I am the author anyway!
Lessons learnt in Part 4
1) I still have a lot of room for improvement I am not perfect.
2) Shit still can happen no matter what you do, sometimes fate works in funny ways that does not seem fair.
3) Pride is useful only when it is needed, at other times it is just plain useless.
4) If you love someone hard enough, you will really know what it truly means to love someone.
the girl is just playing with you till she find someone better
Originally posted by Callan:am going to share some parts of my life where I did not make it as a couple with the girls I dated.
Part 5 --- Indian Marriage? Hell, now I am scared to think of it
After my BMT, I was one of the few lucky bas*tards that was posted to the police to assume the role of a NS Inspector. Well, they say I struck the jackpot of my life, yeh I agree I did, and I was grateful, the experience was totally different and I dun have to charge up any more hills. Anyway, I have to go through the 9 months of training in the academy before I can get my rank, and during this period of time it was pretty peaceful except for the fact that I was diagnosed with a serious sinus problem and have to undergo an operation for it. And because of this I was going in and out of the hospital alot and get to be home while my comarades suffer in the academy as I can't swim nor run or my nose will start to bleed and get stuck to my ears with mucus(Serious! The doctor advise the operation because I might go deaf if i dun. Sorry to the guys in my squad, but you all were great!) As I have a lot of free time on my hands I still carry on with my favourite past time chasing skirts. :p
I got to know this indian gal, though I can't recall excatly how, she was cute. She is able to communicate with me on a pretty comfortable level. I would not say that she is fantastically beautiful but she does have nice eyes and quite a powerful figure of course and I have to compliment her for that. I guess what I was attracted to was more her intellect. She is a trainee teacher, and is my age. She has this ability to be interested and find beauty in almost everything, which I appreciate alot when she is with me. Well I suppose I am that type myself and when you find someone like that, you somehow connect in someway. Simply she speaks my language, and I speak hers.
We agree to start going out though I was pretty skeptical about an inter racial relationship. But I thought she is good company so why not anyway. But strange enough I got to know her real well, and she like me is straight forward and frank when it comes to conversations and I appreicate that part of her very much. And of course I got to learn how to appreciate indian beauty, and I know how good she can look when she dresses up, definitely classic beauty. And surprisingly unlike the initial impression I have of indians she is rather soft spoken. I guess it is because she comes from a family where the family is largely made up of people working in the educational field. In fact her father is a retired teacher himself.
We got along really well, and I am beginning to think that it is actually possible for us to cook something out of it. So I took her to West Coast park one fine day to watch the sunset, thinking of poping the question that day. We were sitting on the bench, bathing in the rays of the evening sun, and I was just waiting for the right moment to ask her then suddenly...
Her: "Callan, do you think we are doing fine?"
Me: "Well yea, we click pretty well..." Ok she created the perfect opportunity for me.
Her: "You think we should develope further? I dun want to hang on in this position in a relationship for too long."
Damn! She beat me to it, she is even more eager than me about going into a relationship. I am quite surprise actually.
Me: "Ermmm.....yea...I was thinking of asking you that too..."
Her: "I find your company very comfortable, and I like it when you are around me...makes me feel very secure, but there are some doubts on my mind and I think I should clear them with you first before we come up to anything."
Me: "Errmmm...ok...I think it is better that way too....so what is it?" I am eager to find out myself too.
Her: "Well, my father is old, I want to settle down too, and I need commitment in the relationship I want to go into..."
Me: "ok I agree, I believe in commitment too..."
Her: "So my question is, I want to get married in 2 years time, can you do that?"This caught me off guard, seriously I never thought about anything like that...I meant, damn, who will go and think about such stuff when we are just dating?!??!
Me: "Ermm....I dun know XXXXXX, it seems abit too fast to think about something like that isn't it? What I meant by commitment is more on a more shallow level....you know....ermm...I never gave it much thought before."
Her: "Well, you should if you want to go into a relationship with me, I am not the type that just go into a relationship for the fun of it, I think about things in the long run."
Me: "I understand...but....isn;t it a bit too early to think about something like that?"
Her: "Not for me, for me it is something very important. I will not go into a relationship if I dun think marriage can happen."
Me: "Ok....I understand, but I dun think I am ready for a commitment at that level yet."
I was damn frank, it is the only way for me.
Her: "But I thought you like me..."
Me: "I do....but I really dun think I am ready for something this big yet."
She became very silent, we did not talk much after that, we just sat there, I feel pretty guilty. As the sunset, we were both drown in our own thoughts. To me, I am definitely not ready to go into something that serious now. Not when I have just dated her for something a month. We are talking about marriage here, it seems almost impossible for me to imagine anything close. But at the same time I was thinking if I should give it a shot. Nah, I dun think it is possible, I dun want to give her any false hopes. Talking about false hopes, I also wondered if I did give out any wrong signals to her to my intentions of a relationship. I serious cannot recall myself doing anything like that.
We left the place as it is becoming late, the mood was very different from when we came here. Both of us dun know what to say, it is pretty tense for the both of us.
Me: "So I guess it is best for us to stop seeing each other."
Her: "But dun you even want to try? I think I can love you very much."
Me: "That, I dun know...things are still pretty raw for us to say that yet, you know?"
She is silent once more, I think I am making things very clear to her now, I really cannot give her the type of commitment she is asking for. I meant to even think of it, I will just have come out of NS in 2 yrs, I still have a long way to go.
Her: "Can I kiss you? I really like you, at least let me know how it is like to kiss you. I want you to be special"
We kissed, and frankly I regretted doing that, I think it only make her feel worst. Her eyes were welling up when I sent her home. We stopped seeing each other after that night, I dun think it would be healthy for her, she should go out and meet guys who are ready for something like that, not me, I am not at that level yet. I cannot handle the thought of commiting myself to her and her alone, right even before we are officially a couple. I feel very enveloped by this topic in fact...andvery much wanted to draw myself away from this topic. Maybe I was never meant to be in any permanent relationships.
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Lessons learnt in Part 5
1) An attraction of the minds can actually happen in this era of lust and superficial people.
2) It is better to know the expectations of the other person before things go out of control.
3) It is not a good idea about the last kiss and last request kind of stuff, it makes it more painful actually.
4) I am definitely not ready for commitment in a marriage. (I am just reaffirming myself.)
it is gd in a sense that u let her go because otherwise u will just be wasting her time only
Originally posted by min_min:u seems to be from the 外貌�会 de member
I have to admit...I was....WAS
Originally posted by min_min:the girl is just playing with you till she find someone better
Well...what else could it be since she two-timed me?
Originally posted by min_min:it is gd in a sense that u let her go because otherwise u will just be wasting her time only
She's a nice girl...so I dun want to ruin her life. I'm merciful sometimes.
Wonderful stories... by the way how old are you callan?
Originally posted by burndog85:Wonderful stories... by the way how old are you callan?
I'm 31 this year.
Part 8a - A beautiful mistake
This is the 8th part, I stopped writing this part of the story a few years back because it still hurts to think about it. Now 5 years has past and I decided to attempt to write it again. I hope that it flows well and you will enjoy it as I'm not sure I can really illustrate the pain properly. I have to fictionise some parts to allow for some discretion to the person involved in the story. I hope you all dun mind.
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She was sitting in the car. A mere shadow to me. I was there to meet a friend and pass him something. My friend actually did tell me about this girl whom he is interested in, but he never really had great taste anyway, so I was not so interested to meet this lady. My friend was rather excited though since he is somewhat on a date with her. She came out of the car to get some air while I was still talking to my friend. At the corner of my eye, I saw a set of long silky hair and I thought I saw a pair of stars. I had to turn my head and look at her, the stars were her eyes. She was gorgeous.
I got to meet her again after a couple of days. We were having a gathering and my friend brought her along. We said hi to each other but never really did talk much, but we smiled a lot to each other. To tell you frankly, I was not having any thoughts about courting her at all. Firstly she is my friend's gal, or rather my friend's target, secondly, I was more interested in someone else at that point in time. I was quite into this girl who is studying in Canada. We correspond alot via emails and MSN after she left Singapore. Somewhere inside me I know it's gonna be fruitless because I'm really not her type of guy but me being me, I just want to enjoy the labour of chasing a girl.
After the gathering, my friend asked me out again and since I was single, I often become the big bright lamppost between the 2 of them. It is during one of the "dates" that I got to know that she only treats him as a friend.
"So how are the 2 of you moving along?" I asked cheekily
"Huh? What 2 of us?" She questioned
"You and him! Who else? I replied
"US?! I only treat him as a friend though he is a very nice guy. Just like you." She looked at me with a scorned face.
"I thought you knew he is interested in you?"
"No, he never told me about it."
"But at least his actions would tell!"
"Yes, but I'm choosing to ignore it. Look...the only reason I'm going out with you guys is that you are coming along, at least I would not be misunderstood that I'm dating him. He's a nice guy, but really not my type. He's a good friend though."
"Oh..." I felt guilty for being an obstacle.
Now I know why my friend gave her my contact number and MSN, and why sometimes my friend ask me to do the liasing when we meet up. To be frank, she is really a nice girl, we do say hi to each other and sms each other sms jokes, but it was all friendly. I was still quite hung up with Ms. Canada afterall. On some nights when I'm online with Ms Canada, I would be chatting with her too. For the chats, I got to know that she just came out from another r/s a couple of months back. She still have some feelings for the guy but felt that he is too possessive. Being Mr Uncle agony, I often console her.
Chirstmas is coming. She invits us to her house for a party as her family is Christian. Piror to that, she MSNed me about something that is bothering her.
"XXXXX is starting to show some very obvious signs that he is interested."
"I told you so, and it's time you made things clear to him."
"But I would rather he knows and back off himself. I still want him as a friend. He is really nice and I dun want ot hurt him. He might not take the blow easily."
"So how are you going to do that?"
"...Can I pretend to be interested in you instead?"
"HUH?"
"I meant just pretend that I like you. You are like a big brother to him, so I think he will respect that."
"I dun think it is a good idea at all. Anyway he knows I'm into XXXXXX. So he would not believe you."
"You dun have to pretend to like me, but I can pretend to like you. He will understand."
"Either way, I still think it is a very bad idea, I also want to keep him as a friend you know."
"He will lah! He has told me many times how much he respect you and feels like you are a big brother to him."
"Yes, that's why all the more I dun think I should hurt him. Jesus, I should be helping him to court you, not helping you to move away from him!"
"Please....I really dun want to hurt him."
Basically she pleaded with me the whole night. I kept telling her no. She told me all I need to do was one thing. And that is to buy her roses on Christmas Eve. I told her that it is pointless as he knows I buy roses for a lot of girls, Chirstmas or no Christmas. In the end, I settled for a christmas present which I thought would be harmless since it's Christmas.
Now, a funny thing happen. My friend called me up the day before Christmas and told me about something.
"Can you buy roses for XXXXXXX tomorrow?"
"Now, why would you want me to do that?" I was stunned, roses again.
"XXXXXXXXXX is going, and you know he is interested in her too."
"He's not afraid of me, I'm just a innocent fruitcake but you are different. You have a big reputation, and it might make him back off."
"Why would you think so?"
"I meant among us, you are the one who is most successful with getting the women you want! If he thinks that you are interested, he might just go find someone else."
"Please help me, you are all I got. I'll buy the roses for you to give her. She knows you are into XXXXXX and will not think that you are interested. You give flowers to so many women anyway. Just help me."
In my mind, I was really surprised. Both of them are asking me to do the same thing but for different reasons. One to suggest that the other shall back off, while the other is to help him ward off the competition. It is most bizzare and I thought such drama only happens in movies. After some thought, I relented and agreed. Afterall, my friend would have no reason to be angry with me for getting his girl flowers. And she would be happy that I'm trying to help her. And most importantly, her plan would be useless, he would just think that I'm doing what he is telling me to do. How perfect!
So on Christmas eve, My friend picked me up and he bought Blue roses. How weird! I never thought that any girls will like blue roses. It's more of a novelty item, I really need to brush up my friend's taste. After picking up the roses, we proceeded to her house. I entered first and gave her the roses upon entering. She was quite surprised.
She smiled at me and whispered " So you decided to help me after all?"
I just smile back and said "yah, anything for my friends"
She showed me around the house and introduced me to her parent....while carrying the bouquet of roses. Her mum had a funny look on her face. I thought nothing of it at that point and proceeded to eat the buffet spread. We were all joking around and laughing, it was fun. Then she played the piano with requests from her relative. And I was shocked to learn that she can play so well. Actually she was stunning when she played. My friend was looking at her admiring. The other guy was there too, but he was kinda looking uncomfortable as she carried the roses around the house showing it to alot of people. I guess the plan kinda work.
After the party ended, I actually has other plans. I wanted to go take photographs in Orchard for the christmas Lighting. I wanted to send it to Miss Canada actually, she told me she missed Singapore and I thought I shall take some photos of the chirstmas lightings on Christmas and make them into a small animation for her as a christmas present. XXXXXXX wanted to tag along as she has not seen the Christmas lightings yet. My friend offered to drive us there, another girl said she wants to come along and guess what? The other guy who was interested in her said he wanted to go too! Wow, it's gonna be a party.
Orchard road was damn packed and is basically a big traffic jam. I was just very focus with taking the photographs to notice that there were some tension between the 3 of them. Finally I decided that there are enough photos and I need to take a leak and excuse myself to go to the toilet.
"Callan, help me please!"
"Woah! I'm urinating!"
"He's trying to break me away from her!"
"What do you mean, I bought her roses right?"
"I dun think he believe you. Maybe he thinks that you like her but she dun like you? You were just so focus on taking the photographs! You even mention that they were for some girl. Who would believe you?"
"Ermm so what do you want me to do?"
"Court her tonight! I will help you!"
"Huh? She would not believe me lah"
"That's the point! Better you take up her time than him! I'm losing out here!"
"This is crazy..."
So I came out of the washroom a different man. With my camera kept, I focus on trying to "SNATCH her away from the other guy". I was talking to her none stop and always pulling her oneside to look at something. She was also enjoying it since she thought I was helping her. And she returned the favor by being close to me all night. We talked, we laughed, the crowd seems obilvious to us. we were in our own world and enjoying each other's company wihtout me knowing it myself. Then it was time to go home.
Before getting into the car, she wispher to me to get into the backseat with her. The other girl got in first, then her then me. Thus with only the other guy left, he had to take the front seat beside my friend. He was not very happy of course. On the way back in the car, she suddenly lay on my shoulders and pretended to fall asleep. I was very surprise that she did that, and I did not know how to react except for pretending to sleep too. The other girl in the backseat with us let out a giggle. It caught the attention of my friend and the other guy. I was really worried that my friend would be angry with me. Courting her is one thing, to have her lie on my shoulders is another.
"Wow, I think we got something happening behind us huh?" My friend talked to the other guy.
"Yah...something..." The other guy replied.
"Very romantic hor?" My friend taunts again.
"Ya lor, it's Callan leh." The other guy replied.
She let out a soft giggle upon hearing the comments. And we continued in this position till we reached her house. All this time, I was very feeling very confused. I meant, I'm supposed to be helping my friend, but I know something is happening. I have started to develop some feelings for this sweet young thing. I'm actually enjoying the fact that she is lying on my shoulders, I enjoy smelling the sweet scent from her hair. I'm enjoying her soft hands resting on my arms. Aren't I suppose to be liking Ms Canada? Why am I feeling this way? I'm guilty of starting to like her, because I was suppose to be helping a friend. I'm guilty of betrayal to Ms Canada, was my confession of admiration not from my heart? I'm guilty....guilty as hell.
To be continued.....
This story is too much for one part, actually it is too much to write in one night. I hope you people dun mind that I continue writing tomorrow.
callan is feelin too dwn to cont his story.
me shall do so for him.
stay tuned!
Originally posted by Hello Kitty:callan is feelin too dwn to cont his story.
me shall do so for him.
stay tuned!
...I was writing halfway when I saw this...wahahahahaha
It ended!
ok?!
there, done.
Part 8b - An Ugly Confession
My phone rang. It is her. I'm trying to tame my pounding heart before I pick up the phone. After 3 deep breaths, I managed to calm myself.
"He...Hello" I Stammered.
"Hi, what's wrong?" She asked.
"No nothing, feeling cold."
"Oh, I'm calling to thank you for just now...Thank you."
"Oh..Anything for a friend."
"Sleep well yah?"
"You too........."
"He....hello?"
"Yah?" She replied.
"Ermmm...Why haven't you put down the phone?"
"I was waiting for you to put down first...."
"Oh....I normally wait for people to put down first...."
"oh ok...bye bye."
"Bye.............................."
"Click....."
She finally put down the phone. I'm feeling very abnormal. The feeling is extremely confusing. I'm feeling excited, guilty, happy and paranoid at the same time. For the first time in my life, I'm liking a friend's girl. I am really hating myself. She's pretty, nice, friendly, independant and intelligent at the same time. Deadly combination for me. Why did I not see it earlier? She actually really likes me. And I think I'm falling for her too. The night was a very long night alone with my thoughts.
After that night, I told myself that I have to avoid her. I try not to pick up her calls for the next few days. I try to delay my replies to her sms as long as I can. But I could not stop myself from thinking about her totally. I could not lie to myself, I have to talk to somebody. I called up one of my best buddies. He was never in any r/s before, but I like to talk to him because he is always able to give me a unique perspective.
"I feel so confuse now."
"Look, if you want her, just go get her. Dun be wishy washy, this is nothing like you."
"But XXXXX is courting her! You knew it and you are telling me to go ahead?"
"Would it make a difference? He got no chance with her anyway. Basically she is out of his league. It's not like you are taking away his gf. All is fair in love and war, you are in the best position to take the shot so take it. She got to be interested in the first place, and in this case she is interested in you, not him, so he is not a factor at all."
"I still feel guilty about this. He is a nice guy."
"Let me put it this way. Everybody wants this diamond, you can afford it. He can't but he is a nice guy. Should that stop you from buying this diamond? It would not make a difference to him, if you are not buying it, someone is going to buy it sooner or later. He will still not have the diamond and neither will you, maybe some other jerk will and both of you will be left crying."
"..........."
"Just go ahead and call her out for dinner or something. Dun waste anymore time. She is not going to be interested forever."
"..........."
"Dun be a pussy and start being the man that you are!"
"ok........"
His analogy of the diamond worked on me. I'm not sure if he is really making sense or is it just me wanting to find an excuse for myself to be disloyal to my friend. I called her up after some serious urging from my friend. I asked her out for a movie at cineleisure. Once she is assured that it is only with me, she agreed. We met up at Cineleisure, I had lunch with my friend first before meeting her, he is there to make sure I went through with the whole deal. I was still very apprehensive about the whole thing till I saw her. Upon seeing her walking to me smiling, I lighten up. She was in a blue halter neck and jeans, looking every bit as pretty as she is. I decided that we should watch the movie "Ah Hu", a chinese movie by Andy Lau. I thought that nothing could go wrong as it is about boxing.
I regretted choosing this movie 1/2 hour into the show. It was mostly about a boxer who is trying to forget his former love who died. I was shifting around in my seat uncomfortably as I notice that the atmostsphere is fill with more romance than anything else. After awhile, I was not concentrating on watching the movie anymore, a lot of thoughts were running through me. A huge emotion ran through me like a river thorugh a canal. Then it happened...I know she is looking at me. I was wondering if I should looked back at her. Slowly I turned my head and there they were. The pair of stars looking into my eyes. The shine in them outshine the darkness in the cinema. It was like I'm looking at her face in broad daylight. Uncontrollably, I lean forward to kiss her on her lips. When our lips met, the feeling is unforgetable even till this day. Rather than resistance, it was more welcoming than anything else, Her smooth warm lips rub against mine, I stopped breathing for a few seconds. I lost control and allow my tongue to enter her mouth. It seems like the normal thing to do. Before I knew what happened, we were locked in a passionate kiss. I do not know how long it lasted, it seems like eternity to me. Basically I forgot that I was watching the show. All that I'm thinking of are thoughts of the kiss, the passion, the gasps for air and the soft moans of satisfaction. I'm conquered totally by the kiss. After the kiss, she lay her head on my shoulder and I put my arm around her. Every now and then I would smile at her and kiss her gently on her forehead. She would smile and hug me ever more tightly. The 2 hours or so in the theatre was total heaven.
We came out of the theatre holding hands, it was very natural, and very spontanous. It seems just like the normal thing to do. We did not talk to each other, we just held hands and walk, occasionally looking at each other with a gentle smile. I can see in her eyes that she is happy...no...more than that, she felt blissed. She finally broke the silence as we were walking towards the bus stop.
"So when did you knew that you have actually fallen for me?"
"..,,,I think on chirstmas night, but I didn't knew till now for sure."
"Actually, it started for me that day too. You totally knock me over."
"What did I do?"
"Nothing...and everything. The moment I lay on your shoulders, I knew for sure. And I thought I was crazy when I hug the roses to sleep that night."
"Oh those roses...they were actually bought by XXXXX." I suddenly awaken.
"They are? I thought you bought them for me....but still, it's the same to me, I was so attracted to you that night."
"Talking about XXXXX, I think I have a lot of explanation to do to him." I started to worry.
"Nothing is going to stop us now." She assured me.
"Let me handle it...I know what to do."
I send her home and all the way on the bus, she slept like a baby on my shoulders. As I watch her sleep, I know there is no turning back now. It's time I face the music. I'm willing to risk my friendship with my friend, to be branded disloyal, to be called a jerk, to be misunderstood, so that I can set this relationship in stone. I know there is no point letting go now, we just cannot let go of each other now.
The next day, I sms my friend, I could not bring myself to tell him verbally. He did not reply. I waited the whole day and finally decided that I should call him. He did not pick up. I knew that he must have already knew what happen, else he would have returned my call. I know that he must be feeling very hurt. But still I do not feel any regrets. I just felt that I have to at least tell him why. I wrote another sms to him asking if he is alright, and he still never reply. I felt bad inside, not guilty. Feels bad that I have to make him go thorough this. He is afterall my friend, and I definitely feel sad to lose a friend.
To be continued.....
yay nice
waiting for the next part!
nice .. very nice ..
wish i could have a relationship like part 8 (B) .. so sweet ..
Waiting for next part Masterbed! xD
Part 8C - A foolish breakup
XXXXX did not contacted me for over a month. During this time, my relationships with quite a few of my friends were quite strained. Most thought of me as a girlfriend snatcher. But I was happy, life went on with her in my life. Because of the much smaller social circle I have now, I spent most of my free time with her. We were happy and very much in love. For the first time in my life, I brought a girl home to introduce to my mum and relatives as my girlfriend during Chinese new year. My mum like her a lot, and we had a lot of memorable moments together.
XXXXX finally picked up my call after a month and all is forgiven, he came to accept that things were not meant to be between him and her though there are still quite a few who felt that what I did was wrong. I can only accept that you cannot please everyone. But I can say that XXXXX and me were not as close as before. I guess when such things happen, there are bound to be cracks in a r/s between 2 persons. I also told Miss Canada about it, she is a gracious person, she wished me well and told me that it is impossible between me and her anyway. I felt relieved that at least I did not cause another friend to be disappointed.
Life went on smoothly and happily for the both of us, for 3 months at least. We had a fantastic Valentine's day together, a day which till now I would still remember very clearly. But something happened 3 weeks after Valentines day, her ex call her up to ask her out. She told me about it and I urged her to go and meet him to clear up whatever that is still there between them. She went, I stayed at home. She did not come back till 11 at night. She called me the moment she reached home.
"I'm so sorry I came back so late..." She sounded flustered.
"It's ok, I'm the one who told you to go out with him." I was calm.
"He bought a new bike and we went to east coast park...to talk about things."
"Ok....so what did you 2 talked about if you dun mind telling me." I probed...
"Well...he stills wants me back. I told him that I am very happy and comfortable in this new r/s that I'm in right now.....but he's not giving up. He thinks that I should give him a chance."
"So do you think you should?" I tried to be nonchalant.
"Actually...I dun know...I'm sorry...but I dun want to lie to you. I'm actually quite confuse right now...I dun think I should be talking to you about this..."
"....... it's ok ... I understand... you 2 were together for 2 years... it's not easy to just let go..." My heart broke inside as I say this...
"Callan....please, I'm not leaving you! I'm just feeling emotional now, I just had a 3 hour talk with him and I cannot say that I'm not touched....I'm feeling mess up now. Just let me have some space and time to sort out my thoughts...."
"Ok... I understand...sleep early ok?"
"Thanks...I'm sorry I made you feel bad..."
"You are feeling bad too...dun worry so much..."
"Thanks.......good night......."
"Good night.........................................."
"bye........................................................"
"bye........................................................"
".....................................................Click"
There were many pauses during this conversation. I guess we were both feeling confused. I know I am. I'm beginning to wonder if the love I felt from her was real. Sleep did not come that night even though I was tired from thinking. I stayed awake all night trying not to think about her. That night I wrote a poem....
Sleepless
The heather has wither,
but my heart still beats.
Your shadow burns in my mind,
you would never just leave me alone, would you?
I drank my chardonnay,
your reflection was dismiss,
but your voice came back to me,
How careless was I, to let you sneak through.
I listen to the radio,
your singing soon fade,
Now that I am finally alone again,
I wonder why I would miss you.
Sleepless unwillingly,
A thought that revolutes inside me.
A memory I cannot forget,
The night is going to be long...
For the next few days, I left her alone. I did not call or sms her. I was just alone with my thoughts. She did call me, but the conversations were short. I gave her the space and time she told me she needed. It was difficult and tiring but I told myself to trust her. I would be lying if I told you that I'm not worried. I'm worried and fragile for that few days. Even the littlest things irritates me. But still, I gave her the space she needed.
Finally she called and ask me to have dinner together the next day. I was elated! was Saturday and I went back home to shower and prepare. I was waiting for her call for me to pick her up at her house after I'm done preparing. Those minutes spent waiting was like hours. Finally, my phone rang and it was her.
"I'm ready and I will be going out of my house now. Come down in 20 mins." I was excited like a little boy on his first date.
"Ermmm......Callan.....sorry......I can't make it....." She sounded worried.
"What do you mean? What happened?" I was concern. She is not one who normally mess up plans.
"Ermmm.....He just called me and asked me to go out....He wants to talk...." She said softly....
"Who? XXXX?!? I thought you ask me out because you have thought through it already?!" I became irritated.
"yah I know but....he needs me now.... He was crying when he called me...."
"Is that what you want to do?! Go out with him to talk?!" I'm agitated...
".........yes......I'm hope you understand...."
"So he is more important than me now?!" I threaten.
"........yes......" her voice quivered....
"..........................................................................So be it.......Click" I put down the phone.
For the first time in our relationship I put down the phone before she did. And I know what it signifies to me. It meant I have already given up. She knows it too. She did not call me back. I paced around my room, not knowing what to do. I threw my stuff around. The rage inside me is too great, I have to release some of it to even start thinking properly. I took another shower, a cold one. I punched at the tiles in the shower. After a few punches, a tile cracked....and my knuckles started to bleed. As I looked at the thick blood flowing down my hands mixing with the water on the floor into a reddish blur, I know I need to talk to be with someone now or I might go crazy.
I called up my best friend. The one who talked me into giving myself a chance with her. I told him that I have initiated a break up with her and I need to talk to someone now. He agreed to meet up without hesitation. We met at Holland Village, Coffee Club. We took a outdoor seat. He saw my hands and asked what happened. I told him I accidentally hurt myself. There is always some pride in me when I'm in front of a guy. I told him what happened, about how he ask her to go back to him, about how she choose to go out with him instead of me. As my best friend, he can only console me and told me that I have a great life ahead of myself, it's not that I'm unwanted, blah blah blah blah....I was actually in my own thoughts as I sat there smoking stick after stick...
"Come on, let's go somewhere and do something. Let's go have something to eat and watch a movie."
"Ok.........."
We went to Tiong Bahru Plaza and bought Mac Donald's. After that we went to the ticket booth to see what movie there is to watch for midnight. I was just following him. I dun even know what I ate. Halfway through deciding what to watch, I went out to the open air area on the 4th floor for another cigarette. He followed me. He knew that it is not working for me. I squatted in a corner in the darkness with my face towards the floor. Tears started to fall unwillingly, it started with a few drips into a big sob with gasps of air in-between. My friend just stood there not knowing what to do. He never say me like this. I have given up on putting up a strong front and stop telling myself I'm ok. He came over and pat me on my back while I continued to sob, mumbling to myself in-between sobs. I think I cried for a very long time....till people started to come out for a smoke after the midnight movie. I managed to stop myself from crying upon seeing the many strangers looking at me sobbing in the corner. My friend helped me to stand up, I was too weak from all that crying. I realized that my legs were so numb from all that squatting that I can barely walk. I was drunk with my own tears.
I had to drag my sorry self to the taxi stand before I began to feel anything in my legs. I was a pathetic mess. My friend wanted to send me home, but I told him no and that I'm fine by myself. I stumbled into the cab and left my friend worrying for me there.
I did not go home. Instead I went to her house. I know that I'm not ok with what is happening. I want to make things right. I wished that I did not put down the phone earlier, I wish that all these is not happening. I wish that she is by my side now and I wish to see her. It might be the only thing that can give me any form of relieve at this point in time. I was too much in love...
To be continued......
OMG i am so touched by your story ....
great story
Amazing story. As I began reading from the start, I could feel like I was part of it, feeling the emotions that was running through the chapters. I wish that my life is as colourful as yours.
Spanar King ..
Originally posted by Noahtay:OMG i am so touched by your story ....
great story
Thank you for the encouragement to write on.
Originally posted by Coolcircle:Amazing story. As I began reading from the start, I could feel like I was part of it, feeling the emotions that was running through the chapters. I wish that my life is as colourful as yours.
I feel good to know that you are appreciating my work. Thank you very much.
Originally posted by BadzMaro:Spanar King ..
Care to explain what it means?
the stupidest thing u can ever do is to totally not contact her in order to give her space... it is tis very space tat the other party will come in and occupy...