Why Smart People Have Poor Communication Skills
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Intelligent people seem to think that they are stronger than their emotions. They seem to think that they can suppress or ignore discomforting personal emotions. Daniel Goleman says that it is the fears, anxieties, anger, and other emotions that guide us in our everyday lives, “Even the most academically brilliant among us are vulnerable to being undone by unruly emotions.”
I don’t advocate being psychotic or annoying to people so that you can get all your bad emotions “out of your system.” For people such as Michael in our example, the problem is in the logical reasoning that the emotions can be ignored. They may see pain as a sign of weakness. As a result, the best way to deal with the emotional pain is suppression. The thought of not being able to solve a problem causes smart people to avoid the issue.
When intelligent people can’t resolve an issue, they will likely complain and blame others for the outcome. Their knowledge and past experience in solving problems causes them to look outside themselves for a reason as to why the problem still exists. Even when blaming outside influences, a smart person may conclude that because they have an unsolved problem, it can’t be solved or it isn’t worth the effort to solve.
Pat Wagner from Pattern Research, a Colorado company that provides organisations with a very diverse range of communication development programs, says smart people have a tendency to convert their self-diagnosed failings into virtues. They use their intellect to convert their emotional weaknesses into strengths. Pat terms them as smart flaws.
One particular smart flaw used by Pat that stood out for me, because I’ve been caught out using the exact same rationalizing to excuse myself, was not engaging in small talk because I reasoned it was a time waster. Now that I’m more aware of the most common smart flaws I use, I try to stop myself in my tracks and identify the real reason as to why I’m rationalizing my behavior. Whenever I don’t talk to someone because “it is a waste of time,” it could be because I’m not dealing with my emotions such as hiding: the fear of talking to strangers, feelings of unhappiness, or the anxiety that I’ll be boring.
This leads onto another emotional weakness smart people have, particularly guys when they want to approach a woman they like – fear. David DeAngelo, expert dating coach for guys, says, “A smart guy’s strength is his mind. His weakness is often his emotions. Smart guys are often immobilized by fear.”
Women wonder why a guy won’t come up and talk to her in spite of all the obvious signals she is sending in wanting him to approach her. When the guy wants to talk to a girl he likes, his analytical mind switches on. A million thoughts, scenarios, and potential problems go racing through his head. It becomes a psychological war.
The problem for intelligent people who think a lot is they think a lot.The guy’s mind has served him very well in the past to get him where he is today. Ancestrally speaking, he’s been able to identify predators, threats, and dangers to protect himself and his tribe. The analytical mind has its purpose. However, the problem for intelligent people who think a lot is they think a lot! They have a tendency to map out everything before taking action. This may cause them to lose spontaneity and avoid doing things “in the moment” in fear of repercussions. Such behaviors may manifest themselves in the form of neediness, validation, and indecisiveness.
In social situations, over-analysing is a killer mistake to make. The intelligent people try to mind-read those they are talking to. They micro-manage their interactions based on their analytical feedback which drives their fear and uncertainty in conversations.
The next time you catch yourself micro-managing your conversations and worrying about what the other person is thinking, remember that the other person is likely to be more concerned with what you are thinking about them. Remind yourself that you can’t mind read and that trying to do so only creates anxiety. Live in the moment more often and you’ll notice people naturally becoming more attracted to you. You’ll know when you’re too careless about other people’s thoughts regarding you when you begin to damage relationships or hurt others.
A few last points I’d like to make on logical strength and emotional weakness deal with conversation. We hunger for emotionally connected conversations. We love drama, fun, and controversy. Facts, logic, and technical subjects are often boring and too complex. The emotional side of conversations is more engaging to people. Academically intelligent people may focus on logic too much. Women are especially interested in any type of drama. Watch their eyes light up when you talk about the latest celebrity fashion stuff-ups and other popular dramas.
Another emotional weakness, in addition to the subject of conversations, is the vocabulary used. Academics often use technical vocabulary to prove their intelligence – a killer of rapport. Simple, duh-duh, language is often more effective than technical linguistics and non-methodologically circumstantial language that no one gives a stuff about. The same goes for writing to keep people interested. I try to write in a casual way – similar to how a conversation goes; not technical stuff, things, and other types of stuff, you know? This last reason is why so many great findings in academic journals go hidden for years – because the general public can’t be bothered reading about it.
On that last point of being too technical for people, something that may interest you is how some people write emails to me. Yeah I teach communication, but that doesn’t mean being technical, using complex vocabulary, and trying to be intelligent helps in building rapport. You can tell the difference. One example of such a “technical” email is: “Dear Joshua. Allow me to extend my formal gratitude in your beautiful array of teachings…” The intent behind such emails is great. It’s just that the person you are talking or writing to when you trying to be intelligent doesn’t experience a “connection” with you. Lots of organisations are hopeless in this when handling complaints.
Let’s compare that previous example of an email with this other example: “Hey Joshua. Thanks heaps for the articles. I’ve learned that… You’ve helped me improve my relationship with my partner.” Can you sense the difference? The last example is more friendly, but not overly casual. The person in the first example who appears intelligent doesn’t “connect” because they are too technical. Even if you are intelligent and have a complex vocabulary, you need to use terminology that the other person uses if you are interested in building rapport. Don’t try and prove your intelligence. We are interested in improving your communication skills and not boosting your ego.
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omg, wall of text
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if that person is really smart.. why doesn't he have communication skills?
smart = can learn fast....
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damn... you just explained why i'm so bad at small talk
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Originally posted by youyayu:
if that person is really smart.. why doesn't he have communication skills?
smart = can learn fast....
because smart pple think too much
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Originally posted by pigsticker:
damn... you just explained why i'm so bad at small talk
tsk
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summary ani1?
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Logic
Intelligent people solve problems with their superior logic. They are presented with many problems which they solve using rational thinking. A dilemma arises when they attempt to solve emotional problems with their logic.
The logic dilemma is partly given birth from intelligent people loving information. Finding information makes their lives a lot easier. With the Internet being a superhighway of information, intelligent people are inclined to read, learn, and continue to analyse their issues.
However, communication skills are skills. Communication skills are not information. Any skill is developed through practice. If you’re an intelligent person, I still want you to learn about communication skills, but know that acting on your knowledge is more likely to be a bottleneck in your personal development; rather than more information.
Back to the logic dilemma, people are an illogical formula. For the smart people who don’t understand that, I’ll put in a way that you can understand. If people were a formula, they would be defined by 1 + 1 = 3. Logic and intelligence cannot explain the complexities of human emotion. Dale Carnegie, author of How to Win Friends and Influence People, emphasizes the importance of emotion in human relations and not focusing on logic. He says, “When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotion.”
In my communication secrets of making people like you program, I define two distinguishing behaviors of those who fall into the logical trap. Firstly is a common mistake we all make – we point out the obvious. Stating the obvious is frustrating and emotionally ignorant. Some examples include:
- “Breaking up with someone is tough. Don’t worry, there’s the right person for you out there some where.” – We all know there is someone out there for us. The trouble is in finding them.
- “I can’t believe you burnt my toast. That’s stupid.” – Do you really think they burnt the toast on purpose?
- “Wow. I’m so sorry to hear about the burglar breaking into your car. You really should have locked your doors.” – Thanks for the advice. Idiot!
The second common logical mistake is making factual statements. People make the factual statement mistake when they talk about an emotional issue with logic and rational. An indicator of this type of mistake is when someone says, “You don’t get it” or “You’re missing the point.”
As an example of the factual statement mistake, Jill is talking to Michael about her recent break-up. Michael is an intelligent guy. They two have been good friends for sometime, so Jill begins to “open herself up” and discuss her broken relationship. The emotions she is communicating are discomforting to Michael. As is common with smart people, Michael perceives Jill’s affliction and his own discomfort in clear terms. He doesn’t see muddled-up emotions. He sees pain; not resentment and anguish; or hatred; not partial likeness and hatred.
Michael wants to resolve the hurt Jill is experiencing. In his black and white world, Michael sees clear emotions, problems, and provides a solution. He may use his intelligence to give advice, provide reassurance, or create some other type of communication barrier. Intelligent people are used to seeing problems, knowing what is going on, and providing a solution. The logically driven communication Michael gives Jill is frustrating to her. Jill probably just wants someone to empathize with her, but Michael is blinded from his intelligence and thinking too much. He is too intent on resolving problems and providing advice.
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They Don’t Seek Help
What happens to intelligent people who are struggling in their social life? They keep quite. Intelligent people are so use to solving problems, being an expert, and logically working things out themselves that they refuse to ask others for help. They would rather freeze themselves with fear and uncertainty then ask someone about social skills. There are several very interesting reasons for this.
Not in all cases, but smart people will look down on those who are less intelligent. These people who are less intelligent may possess better social skills than the intelligent people, but there is “no way” an intelligent person can ask someone less intelligent for help. It is lowering, demeaning, and a sign of weakness to them if they were to ask for help - especially from someone who is less intelligent than them.
When helping an intelligent person improve their communication, it’s good to point out that their expertise will improve when working on their communication skills. Dale Carnegie talks about appealing to those characteristics you want in others to create those characteristics. Intelligent people know they are smart. One such statement in appealing to those good characteristics for changing the intelligent person’s behavior would go along the lines of, “You and I know you’re an intelligent person and improving your communication is another way of showing people your intelligence, expertise, and good skill-set.”
Another explanation for describing why smart people don’t get help, and a reason that I used to avoid having to ask others for help in developing my people skills, is that social skills are assumed to be natural. People skills can be a laughable skill to develop. If you need to develop your people skills, then you may get considered as a “loser.” Intelligent people can’t risk getting humiliated when asking for help, because it’s a sign that they “suck.” They need to maintain their feelings of importance and not feel inferior that is brought by seeking help.
It’s easy to talk about the importance of seeking help, but being able to do it is different. No one person on their own can gather the necessary life skills to overcome personal problems and succeed. We all have different natural abilities and experiences, and hence we require varying degrees of help. There is no shame in seeking help; only shame in not seeking help.
Someone who is of less intelligence than you doesn’t mean you can’t learn something from them. The areas of life that I consider myself very knowledgeable and an expert in, I find it very difficult to consider that someone with less intelligence, or even less skill than me in that area, can teach me something. I need to constantly remind myself that there is no shame in asking others for help and that I can learn something from everybody.
Once I remove my ego and pride, I actually find myself happier and more knowledgeable than I was before. People will be attracted to you when you’re not obsessed with always being right. Besides, asking them for their advice is sure to make them feel important and increase your personal magnetism. You don’t need to play dumb, but not showing off your intelligence to show superiority will win you friends because we hate feeling inferior to people.
“It is a real recommendation to be stupid,” says Arthur Schopenhauer. “For just as warmth is agreeable to the body, so it does the mind good to feel its superiority; and a man will seek company likely to give him this feeling, as instinctively as he will approach the fireplace or walk in the sun if he wants to get warm. But this means that he will be disliked on account of his superiority; and if a man is to be liked, he must really be inferior in point of intellect.”
There a millions of lessons waiting out there for you to take. You just need to drop your ego in order to see them. Don’t let your ego blind you from the many lessons humanity has out there for you. Doing so will prove your expertise more so than stubbornness.
I hope the article has provided you with some deep insight – whether you are an intelligent person or know of someone who is intelligent that lacks good communication skills. While intelligence is certainly very beneficial for succeeding in today’s society, effective communication skills will have you better relating to your fellow human beings. Intelligence is something you can do without, but you can’t avoid people.
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No wonder.
I just realised tht.
Im a smart person!
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no wonder i cant communicate.
hahaha
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God is fair!
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How true is this article ^^
I've learn something today ^^ -
Barack Obama must be one dumb guy according to this theory.
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Originally posted by Shotgun:
Barack Obama must be one dumb guy according to this theory.
HA NOR!
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Originally posted by Shotgun:
Barack Obama must be one dumb guy according to this theory.
. Talking one on one and talking to a crowd is a diff thing. -
hmmm.. *rubs his chin*
Controlling ones emotions. he he..
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i cant stand articles like these. so full of shit.
and only helps to make lousy pple feel good abt themselves.
tsk.
so many lousy pple in this forum T.T all wanting to believe that they are intelligent (or stupid) based on whether they can 'communicate' or not.
i tell you all. I AM INTELLIGENT AND I CAN COMMUNICATE WITH OTHERS AS WELL!
actually, honestly, i didnt read all those walls of texts!! i glanced through the first one oni =P
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Chill la. Why so agitated? Its just an article, take it with a pinch of salt man.
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which part of my reply above sounds like im agitated or not-chilled
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hey good read.. thanks for posting!
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Originally posted by udontknowme:
which part of my reply above sounds like im agitated or not-chilled
The caps and the exclaimation marks. -
smarter people have better communication skills
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too long, too lazy to read...