A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her 5yrs old son playing
with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop &
her son saying, "All of you b*astards who want off, get the hell off now,
cause this is the last stop! And all of you b*astards who are getting on,
get you're a*ss in the train cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother walked into the room where her son was playing and said "We don't
use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room &
stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train,
but I want you to use nice language."
Two hour later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his
train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All
passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of
your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope
your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask
you to store all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no
smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey
with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are
p!ssed off about the TWO HOURS delay, please
direct your complaints to the fat b!tch in the kitchen."
Sixth Grade Science Question.
Sixth grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body
part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Molly stood up, angry, and said, "You should
not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my
parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!"
She then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question
again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Molly's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she
gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part
that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the
eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Jimmy." Then she turned to Molly and continued,
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: First, you have a dirty
mind. Second, you didn't read your homework. And third, one day you are
going to be VERY VERY disappointed!
Always Get a Second Opinion!
Joe had been suffering from very bad headaches. Finally, he went to his
doctor and explained that he had constant pain during the daytime.
After examining Joe thoroughly, the doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I
can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your
spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to
relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in
20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As
he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new
suit!" He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly man eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right! How did you know?"
Been in the business 40 years!" the man said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.
Joe was surprised! That's right. How did you know?"
“Been in the business 40 years."
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around
the shop. Then, the salesman asked "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you. I've worn a size 32 since I was 18 years
old.
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 32! A size 32 would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell
of a headache."
A sales rep, an administrative clerk and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a
puff of smoke.
The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you
just one. "
"Me first! Me first!" says the administrative clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in
Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of pina coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of that tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the
tree.
Soon, he was spotted by a farmer who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on
the counter. The bartender walks up and asks, "So whadda ya got in the bag?"
The man responded by reaching into the bag and pulling out a little man,
about one foot high, and he sets him on the counter. He reaches back into
the bag and this time pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as
well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench,
which he placed in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano
and starts playing a gorgeous piece by Mozart. Now the bartender is
extremely curious about this odd sight, so he asks the man, "Where the
hell'd ya get that?"
The man responded by reaching into the paper bag, but this time he pulls out
a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here, rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke, then a
beautiful genie is standing before him.
"I will grant you one wish," she says.
The bartender gets excited by having a wish from a real genie. He had always
dreamed about it, but now it's actually happening. So without even
hesitating, he says, "I want a million bucks."
So the genie nods her head and disappears in another gust of smoke. A few
moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another
duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks. The
bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little
deaf. I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS."
To this, the man responded, "No kidding! Do you really think, for just one
moment, that I would ever have wished for a twelve inch pianist?!?"