Online Jokes
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Feel free to post jokes that you've come across while surfing the net or those that you've seen on emails. I'll start the ball rolling.
Two men were drinking at a bar.
First man: Friend, do you believe that if you get really drunk, you can jump off that cliff and ride the wind back up?
Second man: *Shakes head*
First man: It's true, try it.
Second man: *Shakes head*
First man: Okok, I'll show it to you.
First man then proceeds to gulp several pints of beer. He walks over to the edge of the cliff and jumps down. As promised, he rides the wind and lands back safely on the cliff.
Second man(*rubs his eyes*): What the...
First man: Now, do you believe me? Try it.
Second man follows the first man's example by drinking alot. He then walks over the cliff and jumps down... Second man feels himself flying, or was it falling? Then... Bam! He hits the ground.
The bartender calls the ambulance and scolds the first man.
Bartender: Ooi, Superman, you're really too much. You do damn fu©king stupid things when you're drunk! -
A bartender has a pet elephant put up a challenge to all his customers.
Bartender: I'll give anyone a thousand dollars who can make my elephant jump or make him shake its head vigorously.
Months passed and yet no one could take up his challenge.
One day, a mad chinaman came to his bar. He went over to the elephant and did something. The elephant actually jumped. The bartender was really surprised, but said nothing and paid the mad chinaman a thousand dollars.
A few months later, the mad chinaman reappeared. This time, he made the elephant shake its head vigorously. Again, the bartender was stunned. He paid the mad chinaman a thousand dollars again. This time, he asked the mad chinaman what he did to make the elephant jump and shake its head...
Anyone wants to know the answer? -
give answer
can i add a few myself too?
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Mad chinaman: First, I went up to the elephant and smacked his balls REALLY hard with a ruler. That made him jumped.
The second time, I went up to the elephant and whispered to him: Elephant elephant, still remember me? Do you want me to smack your balls again?
Feel free to add more jokes here =) -
muahahahaha
okay.. here goes:
The Greek father calls up his son just before Christmas and announces, "Nikos, your mother and I are getting a divorce! 45 years of misery is enough! We're getting a divorce because we cannot stand the sight of each other anymore!"
Nikos screams back, "This cannot be! What are you talking about?"
The father replies, "Call your sister, Helen, and tell her that we're getting a divorce!"
Frantic, Nikos calls up Helen who also blows up on the phone, "No way are our parents getting a divorce! I'm calling dad to find out what's going on!"
She calls the father immediately and yells, "You are NOT getting divorced! The both of you are to wait there and NOT do a thing until Nikos and I get there tomorrow, you hear? NOTHING!!" and with that, Helen hangs up.
The father then hangs up the receiver and turns to the wife, "Okay, they're both coming home for Christmas and they're both paying their own way." 
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LoL! Good one. What a trickery to get their children home for Christmas.
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Continue the jokes
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Seamus McDugan was said to be the most intelligent man in Ireland.
So British Mensa went to test him in order to admit him into their ranks.
Soon, a sensation grew in his village and everyone crowded to see the test.
The Head of the British Mensa asked:
"Seamus, what subject are you interested in?"
"Irish History" said Seamus.
"Very well," said the Head, "here are a few questions then.. which year did the Easter Rising take place?"
"Pass." said Seamus.
"Hmm..." said the Head, "okay then, who was the Leader of the Easter Rising?"
"Pass." said Seamus again.
"Weellllll", said the Head, "then, how long did the Easter Rising last?"
Again Seamus responds, "Pass!"
Suddenly from the back of the crowd, a voice boomed out, "You're a good man Seamus!! Tell the bloody English nothing!!" -
I didn't know that there was a conflict between Britain and Ireland. Didn't take history 'ya see?
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Dedicated to The Hobbit.
Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to ta local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears starnge noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"
In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn''t do it."
The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"
"No. I couldnt get on the bed!" -
Everyone, feel free to contribute jokes to this thread =)
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Bean here bean there bean everywhere
BRAIN TUMOR
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
MR. BEAN IN GRADE SCHOOL
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the
figure, the answer is 6!!!
IN A DRUG STORE
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet
yet!!!
ABOUT MARRIAGE
Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better
and 4 worse.
CHAT WITH FRIEND
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I
didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you took anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.
SPELLING LESSON
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it
one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure! -
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this is wad a wife suppose to be lahx...
A newly wed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...
"LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER FUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?" -
LoL!
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Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)
On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.) -
The gubernatorial candidate in America received an urgent call from the manager of his campaign in California.
"Arnie, you should get over here right away," the manager advised. "The opposition is telling a lot of lies about you around this city."
"I can't come today," the candidate said. "I have to go to Charleston."
"But Bob, this is important. They're telling lies about you in California!" the manager protested.
"Charleston is even more important," said Bob. "They're telling the TRUTH about me there ..." -
LMAO!!Originally posted by Hayashl:this is wad a wife suppose to be lahx... -
Tom Thumb, Snow White and Quasimodo are sitting together talking.
Tom Thumb says, "How do I know I'm the world's smallest man? Maybe I'm NOT the world's smallest man." He became very depressed.
Then Snow White says, "How do I know I'm the most beautiful woman in the world? Perhaps there's someone more beautiful than me." She too became very depressed.
Quasimodo then says, "How do I know I'm the world's ugliest man? Maybe there's someone even uglier than me!" He sinks into depression as well.
A week later, the three were killed in a tragic car accident. While waiting at the Pearly Gates, each of them is invited to a private meeting with God, who says he'll answer each question for them.
After Tom Thumb's meeting, he comes out smiling and says, " I'm really the world's smallest man!"
Snow White also emerges beaming. "I am the fairest of them all!"
However, Quasimodo emerges from his meeting scratching his head. He looks at the others and asks,
"Who the fcuk is Martin Keown?" -
Change Martin Keown to SBSK and it'll be a hit.
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A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call (202) 555-0238" and decides to make the call. The operator asks, "How much weight do you want to lose?"
"Ten pounds," he replies.
"WeÂ’ll have a representative over in the morning," says the operator.
About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.”
The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. HeÂ’s lost 10 pounds!
That night he calls the number again and says, "I want to lose 20 pounds."
"WeÂ’ll send someone over."
The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 20 pounds!
That night he calls and says, "I want to lose 50 pounds!"
"Fifty pounds?" the operator asks. "ThatÂ’s an awful lot."
The man replies, "Listen, just take care of it!"
About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I catch you…” -
actually i copy directly from maxim online,tons of jokes that.its worth the view
A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, "Come on in." Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor.
A man on the couch says, "Are you the people who broke my window?" The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off. "Actually, I want to thank you—I’m a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes, so what I’d like to do is give each of you one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself."
"Fantastic!" says the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," says the genie, "itÂ’s the least I could do. And you, maÂ’am, what do you want?"
"I want a house in every country in the world," says the wife.
"Consider it done," the genie replies, turning back to the man. "And now for my wish. Because IÂ’ve been trapped in that bottle, I havenÂ’t had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you donÂ’t mind, honey, I donÂ’t either."
The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours. After heÂ’s through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"Thirty-five," she replies.
"And he still believes in genies?" -
LoL!Originally posted by DarkYakuza:A heavyset guy... -
The Pyramid Returns ...
Pre-World Cup 1998, there was a theory going round that England would win the World Cup, based upon the following palendromic "proof"
1966 England
1970 Brazil
1974 Germany
1978 Argentina
1982 Italy
1986 Argentina
1990 Germany
1994 Brazil
1998 England ???
The originators of that theory have re-examined this proof and have come up with an equally palendromic proof which clearly shows why England didn't win:
1970 Won Fuck all
1974 Won Fuck all
1978 Won Fuck all
1982 Won Fuck all
1986 Won Fuck all
1990 Won Fuck all
1994 Won Fuck all
1998 Won Fuck all
From www.t-army.com