1.
You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change
after you're married. The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now,don't get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can
expect people to change after their married...for the worst! "So when
it comes to the other person's spirituality, character, personal hygiene,
communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with
these as they are now!
2.
You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than
on character. Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in lust"
Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person's
character? Here are four character traits to definitely check for:
Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right thing" is more
important than personal comfort?
Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How
does s/he treat people s/he doesn't have to be nice to? Does s/he do
volunteer work? Give charity?
Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he's
going to do?
Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he
emotionally stable? Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this
person?
Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to
turn out like him or her?
3.
You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't understand what a
woman needs most. Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it is the man who just doesn't "get it." Jewish tradition places the onus on the man to understand the emotional needs of a woman and to satisfy them.
The unique need of a woman is to be loved- to feel that she is the most
important person in her husband's life. The husband needs to give her
consistent, quality attention. This is most apparent in Judaism's
approach to sexual intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to meet the sexual needs of his wife. Sexual intimacy is always on the woman's terms.
Men are goal-oriented, especially when it comes this area.
As a wise woman once pointed out, "Men have two speeds: on and off."
Women are experience-oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and
become more experience-oriented, he will discover what makes his wife
very happy. When the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on
giving his wife pleasure, amazing things happen.
4.
You choose the wrong person because you do not share common life
goals and priorities.
There are three basic ways we connect with another person:
1. chemistry and compatibility
2. share common interests
3. share common life goal
Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that sharing life
goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together
or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you're
"living for", while you're single-and then find someone who has come to
the same conclusion as you. This is the true definition of a "soul
mate." A soul mate is a goal mate - two people who ultimately share the
same understanding of life's purpose and therefore share the same
priorities,values and goals.
5.
You choose the wrong person because you get involved sexually too
quickly. Sexual involvement before the commitment of marriage can be a big
problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important
issues. Sexual involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a clouded mind is not inclined to make good decisions. Of all the studies done on divorce,
sexual
incompatibility is never cited as a main factor.
It is not necessary to take a "test drive" in order to find out if a
couple is sexually compatible. If you do your homework and make sure
you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don't have to worry
about sexual compatibility.
6.
You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deeper
emotional connection with this person. To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask:
"Do I respect and admire this person?" This does not mean, "Am I
impressed by this person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not
respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by
qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc. Also ask: "Do I
trust this person?" This also means, "Is he/she emotionally stable? Do
I feel I can rely on him/her?
7.
You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you
don't feel emotionally safe.
Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful and
relaxed with this person? Can I fully be myself and express myself with this
person?
Does this person make me feel good about myself?
Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make
sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way! Are you afraid
of this person in any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what
you say because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If
you're afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there's a
problem with the relationship. Be on the look out for someone who is
always trying to change you. Another aspect of feeling safe is that you
don't feel the other person is trying to control you. Controlling
behaviors are a sign of an abusive person. Be on the look out for
someone who is always trying to change you. There's a big difference
between "controlling" and "making suggestions." A suggestion is made
for your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.
8.
You pick the wrong person because you don't put everything on the
table. Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to
valuate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need
to know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both of you? Never be afraid to let the
person know what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how
vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can't be vulnerable, then
you can't be intimate. The two go hand in hand.
9.
You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to
escape from personal problems and unhappiness.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and
married,too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and
emotional problems! If anything, marriage will exacerbate them. If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now
while you are single. You'll feel better, and your future spouse will
thank you.
10.
You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a
triangle. To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another relationship. A
person who hasn't separated from his or her parents is the classic example of
triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well,
such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money. Be careful that you
and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in the triangle
cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You will not be their
number one priority. And that's no basis for a marriage.
"Life isn't about the breaths we take, it's about the moments that take
our breath away!"