Battle of the sexes ~_~
-
Subject: Thought For The Day
Man driving down the road.
Woman driving up same road.
As they pass each other,
Woman yells out window, "P I G!"
Man yells out window, "B I T C H!"
Man rounds next curve
Crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.
Thought For The Day: If only men would listen. -
Girl to her boyfriend:
- One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies:
- Thanks for the warning.
A husband was asked:
- Do you talk to your wife after sex?
He replied:
- Depends, if I can find a phone.
Man to wife on wedding night:
- Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with?
- Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!
Why did they stop printing PAMELA ANDERSON stamps in the U.S.?
- Because people started licking the wrong side.
A wife asked her husband:
- What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied:
- I like your sense of humour.
AND THE WINNER IS:
Doctor to his lady patient:
- You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are you having your meals three times
a day as I advised?
Lady to doctor:
- Doctor, I thought you said three males a day. -
-
i add another:
A woman walks into a pharmacy, strolls over to the counter, and catches the pharmacist's attention. "Can I please get some arsenic?" she asks.
"Arsenic? What do you want arsenic for?" asks the pharmacist.
"It's for my husband," she replies.
"Your husband?" exclaims the pharmacist, "I hope you don't mean what I think you mean!"
She just nods.
"Well, lady," he replies, "I'm an honest man. I can't sell you arsenic, I wouldn't if I could, and I don't know what made you think you could just stroll into a respectable store and expect me to sell you arsenic!"
She doesn't say a word. She just reaches into her purse, fishes out a photograph, and hands it to the pharmacist. It is a picture of her husband, in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist slowly looks up over the counter, and then straight at her. "Lady," he says, "why didn't you tell me you had a prescription? " -
this has nothing to do with my battle of the sexes jokes, but its funnie
"Rich Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?" "It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV."
"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into th! e wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power.......a power failure?! .... Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now
"Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too ****ing stupid to own a computer." -
hahahahaha.... so farnee....
-
While deleting my old emails and found this and find it quite amusing. Am sorry if u find it offensive.
Difference in a male and female brain :
FEMALE'S BRAIN
MALE'S BRAIN
-
-
ahahaahahahhahaa.....how true
-
something I read b4 in a zine....
"God gave us all a p***s and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time" ~ Robin Williams -
>The Male Rules
>
>We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the
>rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... they
>are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
>
>1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
>put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
>complaining about you leaving it down.
>
>1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if
>we can find the perfect present yet again!
>
>1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
>
>1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
>tides. Let it be.
>
>1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive
>than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married
>is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're
>stuck with her.
>
>1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of
>it that way.
>
>1. Crying is blackmail.
>
>1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints
>do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
>Just say it!
>
>1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on
>the calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
>
>1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think
>we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look
>good with your dress?
>
>1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
>question.
>
>1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
>That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
>
>1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
>
>1. Check your oil! Please.
>
>1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
> >In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
>
>1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
>expect us to act like soap opera guys.
>
>1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We
>refuse to answer.
>
>1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
>the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
>
>1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want
>it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do
>it yourself.
>
>1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
>during commercials.
>
>1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
>
>1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
>months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your
>girlfriends.
>
>1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
>Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a
>fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
>
>1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
>
>1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of
>mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
>
>1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will
>act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is
>just not worth the hassle.
>
>1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
>answer you don't want to hear.
>
>1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
>is fine. Really.
>
>1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
>prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun
>formation, or monster trucks.
>
>1. You have enough clothes.
>
>1. You have too many shoes.
>
>1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz
>together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
>
>1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
>
>1. Thank you for reading this; yes, I know, I have to sleep othe
>couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that -- it's
>like camping.
>
>1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape. -
Originally posted by keisha:>The Male Rules
>
>We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the
>rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... they
>are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
>
>1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
>put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
>complaining about you leaving it down.
>
>1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if
>we can find the perfect present yet again!
>
>1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
>
>1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
>tides. Let it be.
>
>1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive
>than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married
>is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're
>stuck with her.
>
>1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of
>it that way.
>
>1. Crying is blackmail.
>
>1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints
>do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
>Just say it!
>
>1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on
>the calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
>
>1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think
>we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look
>good with your dress?
>
>1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
>question.
>
>1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
>That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
>
>1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
>
>1. Check your oil! Please.
>
>1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
> >In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
>
>1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
>expect us to act like soap opera guys.
>
>1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We
>refuse to answer.
>
>1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
>the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
>
>1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want
>it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do
>it yourself.
>
>1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
>during commercials.
>
>1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
>
>1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
>months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your
>girlfriends.
>
>1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
>Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a
>fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
>
>1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
>
>1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of
>mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
>
>1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will
>act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is
>just not worth the hassle.
>
>1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
>answer you don't want to hear.
>
>1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
>is fine. Really.
>
>1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
>prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun
>formation, or monster trucks.
>
>1. You have enough clothes.
>
>1. You have too many shoes.
>
>1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz
>together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
>
>1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
>
>1. Thank you for reading this; yes, I know, I have to sleep othe
>couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that -- it's
>like camping.
>
>1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape. -
-
Got this from an email...
Subject: Onions vs Christmas Tree?
A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are
there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds
of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice
but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?" asked the young man
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"
The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like
an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a
birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, all dried up and the balls are there for decoration only." -
hahahahaha... so farnee.....
-
My girl gives me sound advice.
That's 99% sound and 1% advice.
-----------------------
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for minutes the old man farts and says, "7 points."
His wife looks over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
The old man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 7 to nothing."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie, score."
After about ten minutes later the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
The old man strains really hard but, to no avail he can't fart, so not to be outdone by his wife, he gives everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more fart. Straining real hard the old man tries so hard he poops in the bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."
--------------------
A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up.
After work, she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties.
She went home and donned the new garment, then selected a short skirt to go with it.
She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him as they had a drink.
She slowly spread her legs. "Honey, would you like some of this?" she asked enticingly.
"Hell no!" he gasped, "Look what it's done to your underwear!" -
.......................Originally posted by windjammer:Got this from an email...
Subject: Onions vs Christmas Tree?
A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are
there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds
of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice
but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?" asked the young man
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"
The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like
an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a
birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, all dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."
-
Not true ... NOT all men are alike; similar to women ...Originally posted by keisha:ahahaahahahhahaa.....how true 
-
-
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered...
"Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."
- Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
=========================================
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -- I was in the wrong one.
- Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
=========================================
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they
used to be," remorsed the patient.
- Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA