Oral Sex!!!
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Donch worry, just some talking ock articles on oral sex....
Senior Civil Servants Demand Oral Sex be Legalized
Posted on Sunday, November 16, 2003
Topic: Local News
by Mamak Cock
The recent bo liao preoccupation of Singaporeans - whether to legalize oral sex - has taken senior civil servants by surprise. Most of them said they felt the criminalization of oral sex discriminated against highly capable individuals like them who have to resort to cock sucking to rise through the ranks.
They felt while the mandarinization of the civil service has effectively and helpfully controlled the inflow of minority cocks, outdated colonial laws such as these will severely affect the functions of a meritocratic system.
Mr Kok Ah Sux, Permanent Suckertary to the Ministry of Angkat Bola, criticised the law, claiming that “it would seriously disrupt the current administration’s drive to find new suckers, I mean, successors.”
Mr. Kok continued, “Though we normally fill the ranks with family and friends, the next best person is always the one who is able to rise up the ranks quickly, and these people are usually ones who give, I mean, use their heads.”
Mr. Kok also lamented the anti-penile discrimination, saying, ”What will they do next? Circumcise our salary?” -
Gahmen Launches “Anti - Oral Sex” Campaign
Posted on Sunday, November 16, 2003
Topic: Local News
by Chicken Farmer
Alarmed by the rise in the number of Singaporeans engaging in oral sex, the Gahmen has launched a new campaign to educate citizens against this illicit activity. With a catchy slogan – “Say NO to the O” - the year-long Anti-Oral Sex campaign will push forth the message that Oral Sex is Illegal, and will target couples engaging in this practice, as well as impressionable teenagers experimenting with their sexuality.
Speaking to reporters at the launch of the campaign at Mount Faber, Ministry of Community Development spokesperson Ms Connie Lingus said, “Despite the fact that oral sex is considered illegal in Singapore, many people still continue to engage in this activity, whether knowingly or not. In fact, sexual health experts suggest that up to 60% of all married couples engage in this. This is highly unacceptable! We expect mature, married couples to engage in sexual acts that are in accordance with the laws of nature – i.e. acts that will contribute to increasing the Singapore birth rate!”
“Also, we have noticed that oral-sex practitoners are starting earlier, some even in their teens! No doubt, peer pressure plays a part, but we also believe that the media is sending the message that oral sex is ‘safer sex’ or ‘acceptable sex’. This is reflected in television shows, in movies, and that horrendous “pop” music. It is even worse on the Internet, where websites with seemingly innocuous names like “Talkingcock” are actually subliminally encouraging this practice.”
Ms Lingus then went on to defend the Gahmen’s resolute objection against oral sex. “The law may have been a relic from the British, but just because it is old does not mean it is wrong. In fact, our statisticians can convincingly prove that since the 1960s, as the practice of oral sex became more acceptable and prevalent, Singaporeans are more likely to have premarital sex, have abortions, get married at an older age, have fewer children, and are more likely to get divorced. The conclusion is inescapable, and we must legislate to protect and preserve the very future of our Nation.”
In order to reach out to the young, reporters were shown pamphlets and posters produced for the new campaign. Bright and glossy, to attract the attention of the target teen population, they provide practical information on the topic, with examples and pictures as to what does and does not constitute Oral Sex. “Response has been very promising,“ gushed Ms Lingus. “Youngsters were really very interested to get hold of these pamphlets, no doubt due to their interest in Section 377 of the Penal Code. “
However, the campaign will try a different tack with older and married couples. Giving reporters a preview of the Anti-O Website, Ms Lingus said, “We want to use the website to provide couples with practical advice on alternative activities they can engage in, apart from Oral Sex. For those who want to spice up their sex lives, and yet keep within the bounds of legality, we have suggested activities such as:
- Smoking and drinking excessively at home
- Spanking and bondage (as long as there is no penetration, it is not considered sex )
- Sex against the law of nature with an inflatable doll having sex with multiple partners, or heterosexual couples
- Reading the Kama Sutra (not to be confused with a popular local food guide), available at all fine bookshops ( as long as you donÂ’t practice)
- Be non-practicing homosexuals
- Have sex with your grandmother (Penal Code Chap 224, Section 376A. )”
As a last resort, the campaign have also commissioned a rap song from the creators of the SAR-vivor Rap. Performed by Gurmit Singh ( once again in his Phua Chu Kang persona ), the song “Oh No, No O” will be played incessantly over radio and television until it becomes ingrained into the national psyche.
Added Ms Lingus, “ And if the image of Gurmit Singh with a mole doesn’t turn you off oral sex for life, then frankly, you are beyond our help!” -
TalkingCock Proposes Civil Disobedience Against Oral Sex Ban
Posted on Sunday, November 16, 2003
Topic: Local News
by Supreme Cock
There comes a time when the policies of a state are so egregious and outdated that merely criticizing it is insufficient. Sometimes, people have to prove their contempt for the law by breaking it. Inspired by leaders like Martin Luther King and Mahatma Ghandi, TalkingCock.com is organizing its first-ever campaign of civil disobedience to protest the recent judicial ruling that oral sex is a criminal offence with a maximum sentence of life imprisonment.
Thus, TalkingCock.com is urging all Singaporeans to join in the mass protest against the criminalization of oral sex by having consensual fellatio or cunnilingus in the privacy of our own homes on 27 November 2003.
TalkingCock believes that oral sex is completely natural and also enjoyable (provided certain personal hygiene standards have been met).
We also believe that it should be allowed completely, and not be restricted to foreplay before heterosexual intercourse, as other legal cases have suggested.
We believe to insist that oral sex is unnatural undermines (1) our longstanding policy of encouraging Singaporeans to enjoy sex and hopefully have more babies as a result, (2) our new policy of being more accepting of homosexuals, and (3) SingaporeÂ’s traditional method for procuring career advancement.
Mass oral sex is a great form of nonviolent protest, since we never have to come to blows – we just blow! TalkingCock hopes that the process of protesting by oral sex will be so enjoyable that people will be encouraged to protest other such stupid laws in future.
The choice of 27 November – Thanksgiving Day in the USA – as the day of protest is deliberate. This is to symbolize how grateful to the US we are for goodies like the Free Trade Agreement, that we’ve agreed to sacrifice over 100 of our own SAF personnel, including NSFs, by sending them into the violent mess that America has made of Iraq. In other words, we’re giving thanks for being able to suck US cock. So while we’re at it, why not protest our inability to do so at home?
So, people of Singapore, letÂ’s all come together to suck on Nov 27th, and bring the anti-oral sex law to its knees! LetÂ’s show them we canÂ’t be licked!
TalkingCock Says: Exercise Free Speech - Start Sucking Cock! -
First SARS, Now SORS: Singapore Tackles Another Oral Outbreak
Posted on Sunday, November 23, 2003
Topic: Local News
by K.K. Cheow (with thanks to Maomao2)
Singapore has declared the recent outbreak of people performing oral sex to be an epidemic, and is taking immediate remedial action. Said Ministry of Health spokesman Dr. Fillay Teo, “We have learned from SARS how dangerous an orally-transmitted disease can be. So we’re not taking any chances with Sexual Oral Relations Syndrome (SORS).”
Tan Tock Seng Hospital and Singapore General Hospital have both been put on “blue alert”, and emergency crews all have protective masks on to prevent them from suckumbing to SORS.
The following symptoms are believed to be signs of SORS, and anyone who believes they have contracted it should report immediately to the Communicable Disease Centre at TTSH:
1) Oral temperature of more than 69 degrees Fahrenheit
2) Recent travel to Singapore or any of its police posts
3) Recent contact with any 16 year old chicks with big mouths
“No one is sure how or where SORS began,” said Dr. Teo. “Some believe it jumped from cats to humans, when a 16 year old sex kitten performed fellatio on a police sergeant. Others believe it came through the ingestion of infected suckling pigs.”
There was panic amongst parents as the Ministry of Education banned all students from sucking on their pencils, fingers, thumbs, etc. during classes, causing results to plunge.
As Convent of the Holy Cow Girl School student Ai Kou Jiao told our reporter, "If I don't suck on something, I sure fall asleep during class."
Meanwhile, the World Healthy Oral Relations Examination Society (WHORES) has declared Singapore to be a sucky destination.
MOH has implemented a nationwide campaign to educate the public on the dangers of SORS. The public is advised to cover their mouths throughout the day with protective masks except during meal times until we are off WHORES' SORS list.
Ice cream companies such as Marigold, Haagen Daz and Walls are withdrawing all popsicles to prevent unnecessary sucking by the public. IMH, IMCB and NUS have also been tasked to research the use of pacifiers by babies, which is suspected of causing a desire to suck to persist into teen and adulthood.
However, unlike SARS, SORS has had some economic benefits. Supermarkets like Carrefour have reported a fourfold rise in sales of sausages, especially German ones, with the bulk of customers reported as being housewives, tais tais, sarong party girls, male members of the local theatre community and even some civil servants.
The Gahmen is urging people not to over-react or criticize official actions, in case this has a negative impact on our economy and tourism. In particular, it is curbing the media to ensure a reduction in the number of wagging tongues. Said Dr. Teo, “When it comes to orally transmitted conditions, Singapore believes it’s best to keep your mouth shut.”
(See related story) -
Oral Sex Loosens Tongues
Posted on Sunday, January 11, 2004
Topic: Local News
by Spring Chicken and Tau Hway Jui
The government announcement that they would be considering allowing
oral sex in Singapore has given citizens a chance to loosen their tongues in verbal support.
"Acherly, hor, we've always thought that olar sex is good, lah," said Vice-Minister for Home Affairs Mr Sio Hoon Kee. "ItÂ’s just that last time, Singaporeans not so
elucated, mah. All bo tak chek. But nowsaday, ah, more and more of these chewren got air level, orh level, even got degree. So, hor, more and more know about oral sex, lah."
When asked what education had to do with reconsidering the current law that considers oral sex a criminal act, Mr Sio replied, "Or cos, what!! You mean you donno meh? Wah lau! If you not elucated ah, olar sex is very dangerous, you know! You donno biology, ah, or never watch enuff those R rated movies ah, how you know how to do it? Or cos you donno, right? Then you anyhow go try-try, then afterward get some injury how? The Gahmen is not going to be leesponsible for that right? So now that Singapore got elucation, got more good quality R movies, now the Gahmen can trust our people to do it right, right?"
Ms Doh Wan Can, who teaches at a local premium school, was recruited by
the government in an effort to ascertain the suitability of Singaporeans for such carnal knowledge.
"Singaporeans have come of age. Besides, biology is only offered when teenagers are more mature, and R movies are only allowed for mature audiences. So the government can rest assured that the people will know what to do," she said to reporters, and added (to the reportersÂ’ puzzlement),"ItÂ’s about time too!"
"You see, ah," said Mr Sio, "the Gahmen, hor, is very wise, lah. We donÂ’ch anyhow say yes or no or maybe one. Everything we do or donÂ’ch do, ah, got reason, lah. ItÂ’s for the country's own good. You see, last time, olar sex, ah, is climinal. Because why? Because people donno, anyhow do, get injured, maybe even bleed to death. Then? Murder, right? Or minimum manslaughter right? Ah, now, is safe, so can, lah!"
The case for reconsidering the ban on oral sex in Singapore is scheduled for hearing soon. But it seems everyone is poised for a positive position to be
reached.
Said Mr. Sio. “We look forward to receiving the people’s oral submissions. But they better not anyhow talk cock!”
In other news, the movement to repeal the present oral sex ban has received support from the Ministry of Education, who believes that the ban inhibits its mother tongue policy. -
Gays To Persuade Members Orally
Posted on Sunday, February 01, 2004
Topic: Local News
by Pak Cham Kai
After their letter failed, Singapore gays wish to make direct oral representations to Members of Parliament about decrimiminalizing oral sex for homosexuals as well.
Gay activist group People Lick Us had written an impassioned plea to MPs arguing that the forthcoming decriminalization of oral sex should not be limited to heterosexuals. They pleaded for understanding, saying that the law of probabilities meant that some MPs might have gay children too, and should consider their position.
However, MPs said they found PLUÂ’s reasoning unconvincing, and even seemed to take the suggestion that they might have gay children badly.
“My son could never be some ah quah,” growled MP for Bukit Buttocks Mrs. Ho Moh-Forbes. “He spends all his time hanging out with really macho guys, playing lots of macho contact sports!”
“I guess our strategy backfired,” said People Lick Us spokesman Khee Suk Kok. “But we’re not discouraged. Backfiring is a common hazard in the gay community.”
Rather, PLU now wishes to make its arguments in person, to give a human face to their suffering.
Said Mr. Khee, “We want to show them we’re sincere. We’re willing to go down on bended knees, and give the Members a blow-by-blow account of our suffering.”
Are PLU concerned that doing so will make the MPs harden their stand?
“Well, we certainly hope our oral submissions will make them come around,” he replied.
MPs have mixed feelings about allowing PLU a second bite of the cherry.
“Bring ‘em on,” said Mrs. Moh-Forbes. “I want to give them a tongue lashing for suggesting I might have gay kids!”
“I hope their reasoning on oral sex the next time round is sound,” said Ho Mo Kio GRC MP Fee Lay Teo. “I don’t want to sit there listening to them just talking cock.”
Hong Kan GRC MP Mr. Mai Jee Seow reiterated the Gahmen’s current stand. “Activists cannot push ahead of what the wider society is able to support.”
“Well, we’re optimistic,” said PLU’s Mr. Khee. “We think Singaporeans are very tolerant people. They’ve tolerated inexplicably high Ministerial pay, gerrymandering, sending troops to a war zone without parliamentary approval, defamation suits for critics, opaque accounting for GIC investments… what’s a small thing like two guys or girls licking each other off in private?”
“See?” thundered Mr. Mai in response to Mr. Khee’s statement. “It’s that kind of sucky attitude that just makes me want to blow my top!”