The Truth About Why Men Cheat
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Counselor M. Gary Neuman surveyed 200 cheating and noncheating husbands to get at the real reasons behind men's infidelity.
What
makes men cheat? Marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman dug
through past research on male infidelity and found that most answers
came from the wife's point of view. "Wouldn't it make more sense to ask
the guys?" he thought. So for his new book, "
The
Truth About Cheating," Neuman surveyed 200 cheating and
noncheating husbands to get at the real reasons behind men's infidelity
-- including what cheating men say could have prevented them from
straying. Here, some of his findings:
48% of men rated emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason they cheated.
So
much for the myth that for men, cheating is all about physical
intimacy: Only 8 percent of men said that physical dissatisfaction was
the main factor in their infidelity. "Our culture tells us that all men
need to be happy is to have physical intimacy with someone," Neuman
says. "But men are emotionally driven beings too. They want their wives
to show them that they're appreciated, and they want women to
understand how hard they're trying to get things right." The problem is
that men are less likely than women to express these feelings, so you
won't always know when your guy is in need of a little affirmation.
"Most men consider it unmanly to ask for a pat on the back, which is
why their emotional needs are often overlooked," Neuman says. "But you
can create a marital culture of appreciation and thoughtfulness -- and
once you set the tone, he's likely to match it."
66% of cheating men report feeling guilt during the affair.
The
implications are a little scary: It isn't just uncaring jerks who
cheat. In fact, 68 percent of cheaters never dreamed they'd be
unfaithful, and almost all of them wished they hadn't done it, Neuman
says. Clearly, guilt isn't enough to stop a man from cheating. "Men are
good at compartmentalizing feelings," Neuman explains. "They can hold
on to their emotions and deal with them later." So even if your partner
swears he would never cheat, don't assume it can't happen. It's
important for both of you to take steps toward creating the
relationship you want.
77% of cheating men have a good friend who cheated.
Hanging around friends who stray
makes cheating seem normal and legitimizes it as a
possibility. The message he's subconsciously telling
himself: "My friend is a good guy who happens to be cheating on his
wife. I guess even the best of us do it." You can't simply ban your
husband from hanging out with Mr. Wandering Eyes, Neuman says, but you
can request that they spend their time together in an environment that
offers less temptation, like at a sporting event or a restaurant for
lunch rather than at a bar or club. Another strategy: Build your social
circle around happily married couples that share your values -- it'll
create an environment that supports marriage.
40% of cheating men met the other woman at work.
"Oftentimes
the woman he cheats with at the office is someone who praises him,
looks up to him, and compliments his efforts," Neuman says. "That's
another reason why it's so critical that he feel valued at home."
Luckily, there's a clear warning sign that your husband is getting a
little too cozy with a colleague: If he praises or mentions the name of
a female coworker more than he would a male counterpart, your antennae
should go up -- and it's time for the two of you to set boundaries
about what is and isn't okay at work, Neuman says. Is it acceptable for
him to work late if it's only him and her? Can they travel together to
conferences? Have dinners out to discuss a project? Ask him what he'd
feel comfortable with you doing with a male colleague.
Only 12% of cheating men said their mistress was more physically attractive than their wife.
In
other words, a man doesn't stray because he thinks he'll get lucky with
a better-looking body. "
In most cases, he's cheating to fill an emotional
void," Neuman says. "He feels a connection with the
other woman, and physical intimacy comes along for the ride." If you're
worried about infidelity, focus on making your relationship more loving
and connected, not on getting your body just right or mastering how to
please him physically. (But know that physical intimacy does matter --
it's one of the key ways your guy expresses his love and feels close to
you, so be sure to keep it a priority.)
Only
6% of cheating men had physical intimacy with a woman after meeting her
that same day or night.
Actually, 73
percent of men got to know the other woman for more than a month before
they cheated. This means that you may have time to see the warning
signs before infidelity occurs -- you might even see it coming before
he does. Keep an eye out for these common signals: He spends more time
away from home, stops asking for physical intimacy, picks fights more
frequently, or avoids your calls. Your gut reaction may be to confront
him, but most men will deny even thinking about cheating, especially if
nothing physical has occurred yet. Instead, Neuman suggests, take
charge of what you can control -- your own behavior -- and take the
lead in bringing your relationship to a better place. Don't hesitate to
show your appreciation for him, prioritize time together, and initiate
affection more. Give him a reason to keep you at the front of his mind,
Neuman says. And be open about how you feel about what's going on
between the two of you (again, without mentioning any third parties).
Try "I think we've started to lose something important in our
relationship, and I don't want it to disappear." In the meantime,
commit to keeping tabs on your relationship and doing what it takes to
keep it working for you.