Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon.
Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Specificity; Cogito ergo sum; British; Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate.
Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex; Nope, no more booze for me; Sorry, but you're not really my type; Good evening, officer, isn't it lovely out tonight? Oh, I just couldn't-no one wants to hear me sing!
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest. YouÂ’ll see, youÂ’ll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the pretty forest. YouÂ’ll see, youÂ’ll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion, my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest. You will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit.
As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers, "That little shit makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time heÂ’s on ecstasy!"
A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"
The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, Honey?"
He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet.
Again, no answer.
Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf bastard!"
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either."
A 'Husband Shopping Centre' was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men, to be her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor,you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place.
So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men. First floor, the door had a sign saying: 'These men have jobs and love kids.' The women read the sign and say: "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go.
Second floor says: 'These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking'. "Hmmm", say the girls, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor: 'These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.' "Wow!" say the women. "Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!" And so again, they go up.
Fourth floor: 'These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.' "Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us further on!"
So up to the fifth floor they go. The sign on that door said: 'This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day!!'
GOOD - BAD - WORSE
How many of us can differentiate between Good-Bad-Worse????
Here are the examples........
* Good: You and your spouse agree, no more kids.
* Bad: The birth control pills are missing.
* Worse: Your daughter borrowed them.
* Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
* Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
* Worse: You're in them.
* Good: Your husband understands fashion.
* Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
* Worse: He looks better than you.
* Good: Your son's finally maturing.
* Bad: He is involved with the woman next door.
* Worse: So are you.
* Good: You teach your daughter about the birds and the bees.
* Bad: She keeps interrupting.
* Worse: With corrections.
* Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
* Bad: She wants a divorce.
* Worse: She's a lawyer.
Poor Johnson had spent his life making wrong decisions. If he bet on a horse, it would lose; if he chose one elevator rather than another, it was the one he chose that stalled between floors; the line he picked before the bank tellerÂ’s cage never moved; the lane he chose in traffic crawled; the day he picked the picnic was the day of a cloudburst; and so it went, day after day, year after year.
Then, once, it became necessary for Johnson to travel to some city a thousand miles away and do it quickly. A plane was the only possible conveyance that would get him there in time, and it turned out that only one company supplied only one flight that would do. His heart bounded. There was no choice to make! And if he made no choice, surely he could come to no grief.
He took the plane.
Imagine his horror when, midway in the flight, the planeÂ’s engines caught fire and it became obvious the plane would crash in moments.
Johnson broke into fervent prayer to his favorite saint, Saint Francis. He pleaded, "I have never in my life made the right choice. Why this should be, I donÂ’t know, but I have borne my cross and have not complained. On this occasion, however, I did not make a choice; this was the only plane I could take and I had to take it. Why, then, am I being punished?"
He had no sooner finished when a giant hand swooped down out of the clouds and somehow snatched him from the plane. There he was, miraculously suspended two miles above the earthÂ’s surface, while the plane spiraled downward far below.
A heavenly voice came down from the clouds. "My son, I can save you, if you have in truth called upon me."
"Yes, I called on you," cried Johnson. "I called on you, Saint Francis!"
"Ah," said the heavenly voice, "Saint Francis Xavier or Saint Francis of Assisi. Which?"
All eyes were on the lovely bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the pastor smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back a credit card.
An Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer were sitting together in a carriage on a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. There was the sound of a loud kiss and then sound of a really loud slap.
When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face rubbing a large, red welt.
The Englishman was thinking, 'The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking, 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got
slapped for it.'
And the Irishman was thinking, 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again.Â’
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way, Qantas is supposedly the only major airline that has never crashed.
P = the problem the pilots entered in the log.
S = the solution or corrective action taken by the mechanics.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
Here is a recent conversation between our president G.W. Bush and his national security advisor Condoleezza Rice. “In the immortal words of Yoda: “Be afraid. Be very afraid.”
George B.: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condoleezza R.: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George B.: Great. Lay it on me.
Condoleezza R.: Hu is the new leader of China.
George B.: That's what I want to know.
Condoleezza R.: That's what I'm telling you.
George B.: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condoleezza R.: Yes.
George B.: I mean the fellow's name.
Condoleezza R.: Hu.
George B.: The guy in China.
Condoleezza R.: Hu.
George B.: The new leader of China.
Condoleezza R.: Hu.
George B.: The Chinaman!
Condoleezza R.: Hu is leading China.
George B.: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condoleezza R.: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George B.: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condoleezza R.: That's the man's name.
George B.: That's who's name?
Condoleezza R.: Yes.
George B.: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condoleezza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condoleezza R.: That's correct.
George B.: Then who is in China?
Condoleezza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: Yassir is in China?
Condoleezza R.: No, sir.
George B.: Then who is?
Condoleezza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: Yassir?
Condoleezza R.: No, sir.
George B.: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condoleezza R.: Kofi?
George B.: No, thanks.
Condoleezza R.: You want Kofi?
George B.: No.
Condoleezza R.: You don't want Kofi.
George B.: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condoleezza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condoleezza R.: Kofi?
George B.: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condoleezza R.: And call who?
George B.: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condoleezza R.: Hu is the guy in China.
George B.: Will you stay out of China?!
Condoleezza R.: Yes, sir.
Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane. One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"
The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"
The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"
The first guy says, "I don't know."
The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"